Normally I am a private person and only share details of my personal life with very very few people and they would be people I would trust with my life. But maybe it is time for me to share a little bit about myself and my world.
Today I have been thinking about my father. I was 18 when he suddenly died. Until then he had been healthy, so his death was unexpected. People always say time heals. I think it is more that you come to accept that for the rest of your life this person will no longer be there. After all these years I still miss my dad.
When I married my mother walked me down the aisle in a setting that was chosen because it reminded me of my father. When I qualified in my chosen field of work how I would have given anything to hear my father tell me he was proud of me. The day I gave birth to my first daughter I wanted to see his huge smile and hear him tell me I had done well. Over the years there have been so many times and occasions when I wanted my father to be present, or to hear his advice.
You see my father was a pretty cool dad. He loved his children and we knew we were loved. We were a priority in his life and our wellbeing came first. He wasn't perfect, but he was a man of great mana and was respected by many. I have many good memories and have shared these with my daughters as it is important to me that they know the grandfather they never got to meet. They now have an understanding of the man their grandfather was and I like it when they comment on how he might have reacted in certain situations. They are usually right.
For me it was important my husband participate actively in his role as a father. I had known the emptiness of not having a father in my life and I did not want the same for my girls. When they were young my husband was a fantastic father. He changed nappies (even during the night), walked crying babies to soothe them, rushed sick babies to medical assistance in the middle of the night and did many other tasks some fathers are unwilling to undertake. However, as time went on and the children became older he began to divorce himself from this parenting role. His interest in their lives waned and from one day to the next he never knew anything about their lives. Suddenly it seemed he was only interested in disciplining them and being in charge. I warned him he would lose them if he didn't make changes. Sadly this has happened with our eldest daughter. She cares for her dad, but tells me if my husband and I ever separated she knows her father would make no effort to continue a relationship with her. This makes me sad and angry. I loved my father dearly and he was a wonderful dad, but he is dead. My daughters have a living father who stepped back from his role as a parent to two beautiful girls who idolized him in their younger years. He had been their hero as all dads should be. Now they have no hero.
No comments:
Post a Comment